I am pretty

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

I tried to convince tell myself almost everyday from the moment I wake up to the time I close my eyes and sleep that "I am pretty".

But once I walked pass any mirrors or reflective surface and saw myself, "Eww! Where does this obasan (aunt or old woman in Japanese) wearing that loose and out-of-style baju-kurung with messy/ frizzy hair, round chubby face, big and flat nose, and not to mention.. the so-call typical Asian women's eyes...comes from? Mental hospital?"

Yes yes.. I know, you want to say I don't look that bad mah... but you can't deny that I don't look any better either.

* * *

Okay... Let's talk about my hair.

I tried re bonding and perming. Results were great...for a moment. This things don't last forever. Split ends, dry and fizzy are all what I'm getting now.

And I felt guilty if I spent too much time and money taking care of it. Hair treatment cost me BND50.00 and the last time I had it was last November.

For God's sake, pampering myself in saloon once every two months is one of my resolutions for year 2007. And I'm telling you, I'm definitely failing this.

* * *

Now, my face.

Okay...
Two eyes - checked.
One nose - checked.
One mouth - checked.
Two ears - checked.

Hmm.. not bad for a beginning.

Now let's see..

Two big and round eyes with long lashes - Not there.

One small nose with straight nose bridge and well defined nasal tip - Absent

A pair sexy looking lips either thick like Shiloh's mummy or thin like Mrs Urban. - I can't classify mine!

Beautiful ears? Who cares about ears? Have you ever heard of people saying, "Wow, what great ears you have."

And Chinese says, "一白遮三丑" (A shade of fairness covers three shades of hideous), so being fair = pretty. Dark = ugly. I am definitely ugly if I live in the Ming dynasty. But at least.. I'll be considered as a beauty if I live in the Tang dynasty... Those men love fat chubby women.

Meaning... my tan skin complexion has already exposed all my unsightly appearance since the only part that is fair/white in me is my TEETH!

Ya, ya, ya.. I know Beyonce is hot and so in Halle Berry is gorgeous. Hey, they have other beauty elements in them okay. Aku nada. Kosong. Zero. Ling-tan. Boh!

So.... pretty face check, failed.

* * *

Next, bootylicious body.

Two lumps of fats hanging on upper chest namely breasts, yes.. I have that and I'm telling you it's not small. (Eeeee-seh, proud eh.. and probably the only thing I can be proud of. But it's definitely not for public display). But the thing is.. it comes with a ring of fats at my abdomen as a package. You know, buy one get one free kind of thing.

Arms - When I wave goodbye to you, please don't be surprise that you see not only my hand but also another unidentified piece of fat meat a.k.a flabby arms who always want to join in action no matter the number of times I asked her to stay in position and don't move!

Butt, I have too. Well-spread to the sides leaving nothing to fill up the jeans. Must buy pants/ jeans 1" extra so that the zipper won't get stuck while on it's way to my waist.
Wow... extra cloths for the same price. Good bargain leh. I'm so happy to have big butt. Ha! Ha! Ha! *roll eyes*

If that is not enough, I have my thunder thighs to complete the full package, so thick that sometimes I wonder if I'm related to the elephant in the zoo.

(For the matter of fact, I am related to "elephant", a cousin whom I dislike for some reasons and that nick was given years ago by a close friend which I think she prefer to stay anonymous here)

* * *

I guess if I'm a pig I can be sold at really good price, by kilos.

I know I know. You may tell me if I'm not happy with my body, I can always go for diet plan and work out..which I did. Just that it's not consistent.

My fault - for eating instead of staying hungry and later convinced myself that guys prefer fleshy girls than the skinny one. Who want to hug a stick anyway? Go cuddle with a broom better, at least it won't ask you won't have to worry that you'll break her bones later. And.. my ah-pui prefers me to be huggable. *shy*

My fault - for telling myself that I might regret not eating my mum's cooking for every lunch and dinner. Life is unpredicatble and I definitely don't want to die with a hungry stomach! Very kasian eh! Even if I die, I want to be a ghost who can burp. I thought they always say "Live life to the fullest"? I'm just following ma. No?

My fault - for not working out. But hey.. at least once a week, just to sweat and feel healthy and not for losing weight. Okay okay! I lied. I exercised when I felt guilty of eating too much. Happy now?

* * *

And there is nothing I can with for my face, apart from washing it with cleanser, later apply toner and follow by moisturizer. Not forgetting the sun block too.

If I want to zh'ng my face, I think the plastic surgeons will recommend me Rhinoplasty, Blepharoplasty (which I needed most! Don't you go telling me single eye-lid is special and it brings out the beauty of Asian women. I'll show you finger which happens to be the middle one), Liposuction and Tummy tuck. One, two, three, four... Four surgeries only. Okay mah... not a lot. At least I don't need breast and face lift..for the moment.

But.... No money and no guts = stay ugly forever.

* * *

Or you may say.... "Be more confident of yourself lah. Women who are confident of themselves are sexy and pretty."

You telling me that the legendary 許純美 Xu-Chun-Mei is sexy and pretty? Because she's definitely one woman I know who feels very confident in herself. And not to mention... Furong Jie-Jie too.

(God, these two women is polluting my blog. And.... my eyes! My eyes!
But, their pictures makes me feel better about myself =p)

I don't want to look like an idiot and make a fool out of myself thinking that I'm pretty and sexy pouting my lips and twist my neck to the left or right every 30 seconds with my eyebrows raising every 15 seconds in public and flip my hair every 10 seconds which might probably lead to neck sprain.

Anyone have "Look pretty and sexy for DUMMIES"?
I need that, seriously.

* * *

Can put on some make-up to cover up the flaws and enhance the look what. Heh, foundation, blusher, mascara and lipstick - no problem.

Eye shadow and eye liner - BIG BIG PROBLEM!

Teach me, how am I suppose to apply eye shadow on my eye lids when I have single eye lids with 2cm (or more) gap between my eyes and eyebrows.

. . . . . I felt like a frog now.

And.. I don't know how to apply eye-liner! I seriously admired those preteens who can draw their eyes like Avril Lavigne. My hand shakes. I think my eyes are ugly. And ugly eyes and shaky lines don't go well together.

* * *

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

No matter what, these words are not registered in my brain.

Every time I tried to input this information to my system, an error message pops up saying "Incompatible format. Please try again" and rejected it as if it was some malicious virus that would mess up the whole system.

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

And why doesn't anyone apart from my mum and boyfriend tell me that?

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

Okay, if you say inner beauty is more important that physical appearance, why do pretty girls always get more benefits and chances compare to the uglier ones?

People will still love the pretty one even if she's a super bimbo who doesn't have a clue about anything but cosmetics and party, and not the kind and caring one who looks very sorry.

You only need 1 second to discover a girl with outer beauty but 3 years or more for an average girl with inner beauty. And even though guys know that she'll make a good wife material, they still can't stop themselves for being a slave for the cheap slutty one.

Guys can never discover the inner beauty of a person. Only two types of men does - homosexual, and the monk who lives in the temple.

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

I should stop buying books and spent money on feeding my tummy, instead - spend the money on cosmetics (which I barely touch), cloths, shoes and bags.

I should stop feeling guilty for buying more than 3 shirts/ dresses/ pants a month and change my theory of "Only buy shoes when it's broken", to "buy whenever you think you need".

I should go to the saloon more and not feel like I'm wasting money on my hair that basically has no function but keeping my head warm.

I should stay in front of the mirror more often and practice my smile, my pose and make up skills instead of sitting in front of the monitor, browsing through pretty chicks photo and make myself feel like a pork-chop.

I should tell myself more that,

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

I should sing more, "I AM BEAUTIFUL, NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY.
WORDS CAN'T BRING ME DOWN!"

And, force Bobby to sing me.."YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, IT'S TRUE."

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

Now tell me,

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

Not pretty meh?

Erm.. negative comments are not welcome as I already have zero self-esteem. Unless you want to see my photo in the front page or BB or BT.

Ohmmmmm...

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

Inhale. Exhale.

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

Ohmmmmmm....

I am pretty.
I am pretty.
I am pretty.

* * *

I guess now I know why I'm not vain nor a narcissist. I am not qualify to be one!
At least that's what I think.

我要愛美﹐ 不要自戀。

我要美麗﹐ 也要智慧。

我要漂亮﹐ 更要人緣。

* * *

I think what I need most is to be hardworking enough to make myself look pretty, generous enough to spend money on packaging, and a reminder for me not to forget that I want to be pretty.

But I guess after I wake up the next morning, I'll totally forget about what I said now and look like my usual self again.

Hehehehee. I thought being happy and content is what that matter most?

I'm healthy and all my parts are working... even though they are not as pretty compare to others. But hey, who knows my heart or lungs or kidney or liver are prettier than yours?

I am happy.
I am happy.
I am happy.