Life goes on…

My father passed away a week ago, on 15th of December 2010.
It was really sudden and all unexpected.

I really don’t know how to write a post about his death, his funeral and what I’d been through for the past week because no matter how I put it, it’s still going to be heart-wrenching. Just like how every time my mom told me that,

“From now on, it’s just going to be only you and me. No one there to quarrel with me, no one there watching TV till late night, we got to be strong because we’re on our own from now onwards.”

It’s like, someone just gave me a big punch right on my chest.
I just couldn’t battle the feeling.

I tried not to cry in front of my mom and everyone else. I had so much thing to do and I don’t want to spend time feeling helpless and for those that I could do for my father’s funeral, I did it all. Instead of staying at home waiting for people to come over, my mom and I were almost out whole day running errands. We picked his head to toe attire, including a cowboy hat and suit that we had to drive all the way to BSB to get because we couldn’t find any that fits him in Belait. We brought him back from Ripas back to Belait. We picked his “big-house” ourselves and all the little little things, all the little little decisions made. It was hectic.

Then, there’s so many different versions of my father’s “stopping point”. Some said he fell into a big longkang while cycling, others said he was cutting grass at that time, and the funniest that I’d heard was… I was in Canada / Kuching!

After making the whole incident clear, the next question that would be asked will be… “Did you dream of your father?”, “Did he go home?” and the worst worst worst question that my mom had was…

“Auntie, give me 4 numbers/words!”

Seriously, what the fudge!

That particular person drove off before I could say anything, else I would reply him… “You want 4 numbers/words? There, 迟早到你！(Sooner or later your turn)”

There’s just so so so so so many people out there who showed no empathy and I’m glad my mom and I have so many awesome friends, especially my mom. I guess her biggest wealth in life, apart from having me, is popularity among friends. My mom’s friends actually came over and kept us company from 10pm to 2am, brought some hot coffee and cakes so that the night will be easier to pass. Not forgetting to mention my relatives who came all the way down from BSB too, helping out, taking turns to keep us companied. And friends who gave me a tight big hug, making me realized how important, how powerful the support was with their presence.

I might not reply all the condolences messages but I read them all multiple times, getting me through all the pain. And I thank you all, for showing concerns and care with or without me knowing.

Life goes on. Our lives are now slowly getting back on track and some even commented to my mom that she’s being “daring”, for having breakfast and doing groceries shopping in public. My mom replied, “So, we have to stay at home and cry whole day to show that we miss him and we’re very kasian? Food will automatically appears on the table? House chores will be done? Life goes on and for now, the only thing we can do for him is not to make him worry about us…”

I heart my mom.

She might appear to be this kampung auntie but her positive-ness is something that really inspires me. She’s well-loved because she’s funny, friendly and not calculative. Tell you all one funny thing, my mom actually asked me to tell my father while burning incense sticks, “You come back home don’t get so rough ya, be gentle and don’t scare us ah. Only left two women at home now, be considerate ya.”

She turns all tears to all smiles.

For now, I’m slowly getting used to, registering the fact that my father is not here anymore. It’s not going to be easy but ya, I’m sure my mom and I will get through it.

Lastly, heartfelt thanks to all those who helped and cared. And, I’m sincerely apologize if I’d been rude, harsh or insensitive for the past week. I don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feeling with my grief.