Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Life goes on…

My father passed away a week ago, on 15th of December 2010.
It was really sudden and all unexpected.

I really don’t know how to write a post about his death, his funeral and what I’d been through for the past week because no matter how I put it, it’s still going to be heart-wrenching. Just like how every time my mom told me that,

“From now on, it’s just going to be only you and me. No one there to quarrel with me, no one there watching TV till late night, we got to be strong because we’re on our own from now onwards.”

It’s like, someone just gave me a big punch right on my chest.
I just couldn’t battle the feeling.

I tried not to cry in front of my mom and everyone else. I had so much thing to do and I don’t want to spend time feeling helpless and for those that I could do for my father’s funeral, I did it all. Instead of staying at home waiting for people to come over, my mom and I were almost out whole day running errands. We picked his head to toe attire, including a cowboy hat and suit that we had to drive all the way to BSB to get because we couldn’t find any that fits him in Belait. We brought him back from Ripas back to Belait. We picked his “big-house” ourselves and all the little little things, all the little little decisions made. It was hectic.

Then, there’s so many different versions of my father’s “stopping point”. Some said he fell into a big longkang while cycling, others said he was cutting grass at that time, and the funniest that I’d heard was… I was in Canada / Kuching!

After making the whole incident clear, the next question that would be asked will be… “Did you dream of your father?”, “Did he go home?” and the worst worst worst question that my mom had was…

“Auntie, give me 4 numbers/words!”

Seriously, what the fudge!

That particular person drove off before I could say anything, else I would reply him… “You want 4 numbers/words? There, 迟早到你!(Sooner or later your turn)”

There’s just so so so so so many people out there who showed no empathy and I’m glad my mom and I have so many awesome friends, especially my mom. I guess her biggest wealth in life, apart from having me, is popularity among friends. My mom’s friends actually came over and kept us company from 10pm to 2am, brought some hot coffee and cakes so that the night will be easier to pass. Not forgetting to mention my relatives who came all the way down from BSB too, helping out, taking turns to keep us companied. And friends who gave me a tight big hug, making me realized how important, how powerful the support was with their presence.

I might not reply all the condolences messages but I read them all multiple times, getting me through all the pain. And I thank you all, for showing concerns and care with or without me knowing.

Life goes on. Our lives are now slowly getting back on track and some even commented to my mom that she’s being “daring”, for having breakfast and doing groceries shopping in public. My mom replied, “So, we have to stay at home and cry whole day to show that we miss him and we’re very kasian? Food will automatically appears on the table? House chores will be done? Life goes on and for now, the only thing we can do for him is not to make him worry about us…”

I heart my mom.

She might appear to be this kampung auntie but her positive-ness is something that really inspires me. She’s well-loved because she’s funny, friendly and not calculative. Tell you all one funny thing, my mom actually asked me to tell my father while burning incense sticks, “You come back home don’t get so rough ya, be gentle and don’t scare us ah. Only left two women at home now, be considerate ya.”

She turns all tears to all smiles.

For now, I’m slowly getting used to, registering the fact that my father is not here anymore. It’s not going to be easy but ya, I’m sure my mom and I will get through it.

Lastly, heartfelt thanks to all those who helped and cared. And, I’m sincerely apologize if I’d been rude, harsh or insensitive for the past week. I don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feeling with my grief. 

13 comments:

Tina said...

*Big hugs* You remind me of my sister, my mom, and myself on the day of my dad's death, and on his funeral.

The pain doesn't go away, but you will get used to it.

Strength is vital in getting through this, but it's OK to be weak once in a while, because we're all human. Don't bottle it up too much.

*More big hugs* I'm proud of you.

27 said...

*hugs*

Even if we don't really know each other very well, I feel your grief and pain. Be strong as you have wonderful friends and family around you.Your mum is an inspiration and a strong person. Always remember not to hold back and just let out your feelings.For crying is a cure for the heart and ways to get through the pain.

May your mum and you be continually blessed with support and love throughout this period. Take care Non

Anonymous said...

Hi I'm a stranger but I still want to offer my condolences for your loss. Reminds me that one can never take things for granted and that life can throw anything at you at anytime. Seriously I cried after reading your post thinking how I would deal if it was my father. All the best to you and your mom. Anna

maurina said...

hugs!

Gembo said...

Mrs G:

Condolences to you and your mum.

Your mum is one strong lady and I'm sure she taught you very well. Take care.

Mr & Mrs G

cc said...

It's never easy when someone we love pass on. Hang in there and take as much time as you need. Hugs.

一隻熊 said...

人的一生很短暫。

再摯愛,也會有憑空消失的一天。

昨天還依著的人、今天不在了。

不急著調整、順著變化、讓他住進心裡面。

月後、年後看了照片,會發現住進了心裡面的人、妳沒有一天不愛。

我的父親走了五年、日前看到了照片眼淚也在分秒內、奪眶而出。

我也把多出來的那份愛、給了我媽媽。

希望妳也一樣、多愛她一些、多陪陪她。

加油!

CLEO said...

condolences to u & your family. be strong yahh *hugs*

Syahirah Yakob said...

condolences to you and family. stay strong <3

Nonnie King said...

Tina : And now I understand what you've been through when your father passed away. *hugs*

27 : Yea, I'm blessed with bunch of awesome people around me. And also friends like you, not so close, but yet show so much care.

Anna : I seriously cannot imagine if my mom won't be around too. As for now, I will do all I can to love her as much as I can.

Maurina : Big big hug!

Mr & Mrs G : Thank you. I really appreciate it.

CC : Slowly sinking in. I still talk to my father's 牌位 whenever I left or come back home and during meal time.

一只熊 我只遗憾,没能在他有生之年带他到中国玩一趟。 我答应他,如果他可以把身体照顾好, 好好把钱存一存,明年就带他去吃风。 现在,没机会了。。。

我连他最后一面都没见到。 我一直在想, 他离开的最后一刻,会不会很孤单,是不是还有话想说。。 但起码,我自问也尽了孝道, 该做的都做了。 

现在看到我买给他的新脚车,骑都没骑过几次,人就不在了。心还是会很酸。。。 

你说的对,多出来的那份爱,该全都给妈妈。

一起加油吧!


Cleo : I will, I still have my mother to take care of. =)

Eraa : Thank you <3

pingko said...

You or your mom will never be alone. :-)

Anonymous said...

Sorry for your loss.

Azan said...

my greatest condolences to both you & your mum xoxo